I’m disappointed with God.

Eyes

I’ve got nothing to say to defend God. Not this time. 

It’s a strange situation to be in as a Christian, because our instinct is to make God look good. We call it ‘glorifying God’. We want to show off his goodness and greatness and perfectness to all the rest of you, those who aren’t so sure about God, or are pretty set against the idea of him. We want to tell you, with great confidence that ‘no matter what I’ve been through, God has never let me down.’

Except that anyone who’s been a Christian for any length of time has felt let down. We won’t tell you, because we won’t risk God’s reputation, but it’s true. We’ve felt abandoned and confused and betrayed.

I want to tell you what it’s like, when all your excuses run out. When there’s no explanation that makes sense of God’s absence and indifference. It bloody hurts. Here’s how it goes:

Last week, I prayed. I got down on my knees. I confessed all the sins that I could think of. I told God I knew I’d been a bit crap recently, but now, of all times I needed him to come through for me. I had a request, and it felt to me like the most important thing I could ask him.

So I came to my heavenly Father with all the authentic faith I could muster and I poured out my heart to him. 

He didn’t give me what I’d asked for. And I started to work through the excuses we usually make on God’s behalf:

He hasn’t answered ‘no’, he’s answered ‘wait’. Just be patient.

This was a particularly time-bound request. It was specifically about this weekend. It didn’t happen. I’ve prayed for longer term things and tried to hold on to hope for the future, tried to persevere. But this train’s been and gone. Waiting won’t change anything.

Someone else might have been praying the opposite to happen. God sees the bigger picture.

Nope. Not buying it this time. This was a prayer for good, and absolutely no-one could argue otherwise.

Maybe you had selfish motives in your prayer. God works for his glory and your ultimate good, which is to make you more like Jesus. 

I’ll take that, most of my prayers are selfish. But this one wasn’t for me. It would have made me happier had he given me what I’d asked, yes. But not just me; the request was for the benefit of everyone affected. And so I don’t just feel let down for me, but for them too.

If God says no, it’s because he has something better for you. 

Again, I’ll take it as far as to say, yes my weekend actually worked out pretty well despite God ignoring my request. But I can’t help but believe it would have gone better had he said yes to what I’d asked. There was no better option here.

God loves you even more than your earthly father, and only gives good things.

It’s a really strange one, this one. There’s a verse in Luke 11 that says essentially ‘if you as earthly fathers know what it means to give good things to your children, how much more will God give good things to you as his children.’ The good thing it’s referring to is the Holy Spirit, but I can’t help thinking there’s more to good parenting than that. I know for a fact that if my dad (on earth) had the power to give me what I asked for last weekend, he would have. And he’s a good dad. So what was God playing at in saying no?

Perhaps you didn’t pray hard enough. God likes to teach perseverance and truly earnest prayer.

You should have been there. I cleared my bed. I cleared my diary. I knelt on my wooden floor and sobbed. I pleaded and begged. I cried to my Father, that if he knew me at all and loved me at all, would he please give me this one thing. I felt like Hannah praying for Samuel. If a priest had wandered over and seen me at this moment, he’d have had the same reaction that Eli did. This was ‘groans too deep for words’ prayer.

_______________________________________________________________

No, there are no excuses that seem to do it this time. I’m tired of having to justify God when he doesn’t answer. Sometimes (often) the pain of unanswered prayer is much more real than the theological reasoning. Sometimes there’s nothing left to say.

It’s where Job ends up. He loses everything and suffers more bitterly than most of us could imagine. His friends come along and make excuses for God, they offer reasons why. They try to justify God. Job resists it. Nothing can explain or justify what he’s gone through; the reasons are nowhere near enough.

And when a silent God eventually speaks, it’s Job who he affirms. Not the friends who tried to protect his reputation. Not the friends who knew the theodicies. Job, who suffered and cried.

Job, who acknowledged God’s sovereignty but refused to defend God’s actions.

It’s hard to be a Christian. We share the same crap as everyone else; life doesn’t get any easier. And at the same time, we have to deal with the belief that God is all-powerful and could step in at any time. So often he seems to choose not to.

I promised myself I’d leave this post in a place of pain, because that’s where I am. But even now I can’t squash the instinct to praise. There’s something in me that, despite pain and disappointment and grief, has to say God is still good.

I don’t know what to do with that when it hurts. I have no idea. But I know that Jesus begged too. I know he pleaded and wept. He knelt and cried ‘if it’s possible, take this away from me’. And he heard a resounding silence.

Jesus didn’t give up on God. He grit his teeth and plodded on through the tears. I trust him enough to do the same. But I won’t hear the excuses. Not this time. I pleaded with everything I have and everything I am. God said no. I don’t understand and it hurts like hell.

 

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About Claire

@claireylegs Keen on Jesus. Keen on justice. Ministry assistant in the Great North East. Blogger. Find me in: coffee shop / church / pub / bed.
This entry was posted in Evangelicalism, My life and faith and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to I’m disappointed with God.

  1. I don’t know you but I’m sorry you’re hurting. Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes as Christians we want to rush in with words to ‘make it all better’ but I won’t say anything except may the Lord bless you and heal your pain.

  2. E says:

    What was the prayer? Sometimes God says no to help us depend on his more. Praying he’ll show you comfort as you feel he’s abandoned you wheather through him or others. xx

  3. Angus says:

    Great post- thanks for your honesty. I read this from John Newton (who wrote the hymn Amazing Grace) recently :

    I asked the Lord that I might grow
    In faith, and love, and every grace;
    Might more of His salvation know,
    And seek, more earnestly, His face.

    ’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
    And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
    But it has been in such a way,
    As almost drove me to despair.

    I hoped that in some favored hour,
    At once He’d answer my request;
    And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
    Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

    Instead of this, He made me feel
    The hidden evils of my heart;
    And let the angry pow’rs of hell
    Assault my soul in every part.

    Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
    Intent to aggravate my woe;
    Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
    Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

    Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
    Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
    “’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
    I answer prayer for grace and faith.

    These inward trials I employ,
    From self, and pride, to set thee free;
    And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
    That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

    Persevere as you are clearly doing, and follow Jesus through Gethsemane, and to the cross, and, after the darkness, the Father will raise you up.

    Again, great post.
    Angus

  4. Ronovan says:

    I read this post yesterday, or last night, one of those yestertimes and it was actually the first one I read in Christianity on WordPress. It and another article became twisted in my mind to come up with an odd article myself that I will put out at some point, maybe tomorrow.
    But anyway, I was intrigued by the title. You see I am very much into the Bible, ministry, and the like, especially with youth. I really liked the bluntness and the thought process you had with this. I know you will find the other side eventually, but God knows we have questions and don’t understand Him completely. He doesn’t want ‘blind faith’ believers, He wants intelligent believers who actively choose to follow Him. It’s brave to put something like this out there. Praying for you to work through it.
    Oh, I started Following, and was going to do so on Twitter but I couldn’t find a Twitter option on here anywhere. Old eyes can play tricks. But I am what I call a Twidiot anyway, it’s like a foreign world to me. 🙂 Looking forward to reading more of what you have here.

    • Claire says:

      Hi Ronovan! Thanks for reading and for your thoughts. It’s reassuring to know bluntness can sometimes be a good thing. I’d love to read your thoughts too. My twitter handle is @claireylegs (very old nickname that I hung on to…) – I used to have it on here somewhere, I should fix that up again!
      Thanks again, and take care.

      • Ronovan says:

        Following you on Twitter now. 🙂 My Twitter is my name, kind of boring compared to yours. 😀

      • Ronovan says:

        I also wanted to say that honesty like this, I believe, shows how Christians don’t look at themselves as superhuman beings or perfect. Some people like get that impression of Christians and thus Christians are afraid to show any kind of displeasure.

  5. CPS says:

    Claire,

    I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry that you’re hurting and that you feel let down. I’m so grateful that you know The Lord, and that you turned to Him in the hour of your distress. The Good News of the Gospel, if it is Good News at all, is that in Jesus Christ we have an advocate before the Father who knows every inch of our weaknesses, every agony of our struggles, and yet was able to emerge fully from those victorious, securing forever the sure redemption and salvation of all who would ever repent of their sins and put their trust in Him. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I’ll be praying for you.

    There are a few places, nonetheless, where I think I would help you more by pushing back against some things you’ve argued here. To wit…

    1. You said, “It’s a strange situation to be in as a Christian, because our instinct is to make God look good. We call it ‘glorifying God’.

    I respectfully submit that this is incorrect–at least in terms of how you’ve worded it here. When you say that “our instinct is to make God look good” (emphasis added), it suggests that we’re in the unenviable position of having to scotch over the mistakes and foibles of someone who quite honestly means well, but who simply doesn’t measure up when all is said and done. (If this isn’t what you were trying to say, I apologize; but that is how it comes across.) Claire, I want you to consider the possibility that “glorifying God” for the Christian is simply *NOT* a matter of patching over some flaws in an otherwise pristine masterpiece–“glorifying God” means simply that the Christian confesses the pure and indisputable FACT of God’s gloriousness. The idea is far more akin to proclaiming, “My, what a blue sky!” than “Even though this term paper ultimately fell short of what it was aiming for, it’s still quite a respectable effort.”

    You see, Claire, God truly IS Glorious. He is beautiful, and majestic, and gracious, and far kinder to sinners like me and you than we could ever possibly deserve, ALWAYS, and at ALL TIMES. The Christian’s confession of this–the act of “glorifying God”–is nothing more than us telling the pure, unadulterated, unalloyed truth about the ultimate reality of the universe. That is always the heartbeat of what it truly means for us to glorify God.

    2. You write that “We want to tell you, with great confidence that ‘no matter what I’ve been through, God has never let me down. Except that anyone who’s been a Christian for any length of time has felt let down.’

    In some ways, this anticipates something I feel like I need to say about another part of your argument, but let me ask you here: Is it sometimes not the obligation of love to let down–even hurt–the beloved? The doctor who sets her daughter’s broken arm causes her excruciating pain in the short term; if the daughter’s young enough her heart breaks with the shock of a perceived betrayal. “How could SHE, of ALL people, do THIS to ME???” And yet the physician–the MOTHER–knows best, does she not? Does she not love her child MORE by doing that which hurts her in the short term if the alternative is only to cause her more pain later on?

    3. You say, “Last week, I prayed. I got down on my knees. I confessed all the sins that I could think of. I told God I knew I’d been a bit crap recently, but now, of all times I needed him to come through for me. I had a request, and it felt to me like the most important thing I could ask him. So I came to my heavenly Father with all the authentic faith I could muster and I poured out my heart to him. He didn’t give me what I’d asked for. And I started to work through the excuses we usually make on God’s behalf…”

    First, let me say: this is by far the point in my response to you that makes me the most uncomfortable. I don’t wish to put words in your mouth that weren’t there at all! However, please permit me to observe that your reasoning here suggests the following expectation on your part: “I have done ‘X’; God therefore owes me ‘Y’.”

    I’m not saying this flippantly; you begin by listing all the things that you have done. You then acknowledge that God didn’t do what you were asking. But you close by saying (and this is the most telling part) that you began “to work through…excuses” for Him. It’s this last part that’s really illustrative here, because we only make excuses when we feel that an obligation on our part (or someone else’s) hasn’t been met:

    “I didn’t run my best in that race because I had the flu.”

    “I’m late for work this morning because my alarm clock didn’t go off.”

    “Your father couldn’t make your recital, dear, because he had to work late.”

    You know, in some ways, this makes your allusion to Job a little later all the more apropos. Job’s problem is precisely the same as yours: he has expectations he believes God is obligated to meet, and becomes frustrated and despondent at God’s apparent failure to meet those.

    I think, though, my dear sister, that you misread Scripture a bit on this point. While it’s true that God doesn’t endorse the opinions of Job’s friends (far from it! He says that they have sinned against Him!), we nevertheless need to take seriously the fact that God’s response to Job (beginning in 40:6) is, first and foremost, a REBUKE!!

    “Will you even put Me in the wrong? Will you condemn Me that you may be in the right? Have you an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like His?” (Job 40:8-9, ESV, emphases added)

    All of this, Claire, is to say this: I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry you’re suffering. I’m praying for you. But with all sincere respect, I think that part of your problems in this area lie in that you have a misshapen understanding of what it means to glorify God, and of what prayer is supposed to be. Dear sister, God is not beholden to your expectations–and that is a GOOD thing!

    My counsel here (not that you’ve asked it, admittedly) is this: Let your prayers be focused upon Who God is, and upon the very real fact of His Gloriousness and His wholly unmerited Kindness to you, rather than upon any expectation of what He ‘ought’ to do for you. I would encourage you to read carefully and slowly through the Gospel of John, to see all the ways that Jesus kept pushing back against the religious expectations even of those who loved and followed Him. I would encourage you also to read through the letter to the Ephesians, paying particular attention to how Paul characterizes the magnitude of God’s lavish kindness and mercy toward people who deserved nothing from Him but judgment and wrath. I would encourage you, finally, to trust yourself wantonly, even RECKLESSLY, to the great means of grace that God has mercifully given to frail and struggling sinners like us: prayer, Scripture, and the fellowship of other believers. Seek the counsel of your pastor, dear Sister. Seek the aid and comfort and help of older, wiser brothers and sisters in Christ. If it will be of any help to you to email me, please feel free to do so!

    And above all else, may the grace and the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ comfort you in your affliction, and may you grow in grace and in the knowledge of Him.

    • Claire says:

      Hi CPS,
      Thanks for taking the time to reply at such length to my post. I really appreciate the thought and your prayers. I’ve read over what you said a couple of times, and while I’m on my lunch break at work, I don’t have the time to respond to everything but the gist of it is this:

      I agree with (I think) everything that you’ve said about God. I believe that God is glorious, always, at all times and completely perfectly. I believe that God works for good, and that sometimes that’s painful. I don’t believe that God owes me good things for acting a certain way, I don’t believe that prayer is about twisting his arm.

      But what I was expressing in the post, writing from a place of pain, is that our experience and our feelings are not the same as the theology that we believe on a theoretical level – and that I think that’s okay. Our hurt is as valid as our theology. What I experience and what I feel about that experience has a place, and I don’t have to squash that pain and pretend it doesn’t exist. I don’t believe that’s what God asks of me.

      So, while I believe that God is absolutely glorious and perfect, it doesn’t always feel like that. And so in the way I present God to my friends, I’m more likely to talk about my experiences of him that HAVE made me feel he is perfect in my experience, and leave out the parts where it doesn’t feel that way (even if I don’t let me feelings change my belief about God’s glory). And what I wanted to do with this post is to say, ‘here’s a time when my feelings aren’t matching up with that truth that God doesn’t let us down. Here’s a time when that’s not my experience at all. I still believe it, but I can’t reconcile that belief with what has just happened.’ And I wanted to say that that’s an okay place to be, and God’s glory isn’t threatened by that.

      The same applies to your other observations – I agree with them in theory, in belief, in my head. But that doesn’t change my experience. I know that prayer isn’t about what I’ve done first to persuade God to grant my request. But I wanted to express the depths of pain that many people will know, where your desperation leads you to try anything. The experience doesn’t change your theology, but at that moment it doesn’t match your theology either. And once again, I wanted to say that I think that pain has a place, that it’s valid and it should be expressed.

      So thank you for the reminder of lots of great truths! I don’t think that, as you suggest, it’s my understanding that is misshapen – but that sometimes life doesn’t match up to my understanding, and Jesus in joining us in human experience, gives that pain value and worth.

      All the best,
      Claire

      • Josie says:

        Thank you so much for your transparency. So many months later and your post has touched another heart. I am experiencing pain as you described about a specific prayer I thought was not selfish. I did not get favor in that prayer. I’ve been asking for the “why not” answer and I received from the Holy Spirit was “count it all joy” are you kidding me is my reaction. Anyway, the reason for my reply is to ask if you now know “why not”? My frustration is not that God is working “it” out for my good, my frustration is “when”? Please share if you are past the pain and how. I’m so angry in don’t even want to look up scripture. I tried but can’t see the truth I’m so disappointed. Thank you in advance.

      • Anna says:

        Job vs Job’s friends; CS Lewis: The problem of pain vs A grief observed.

        I hate it when you’re suffering, you’ve all this well-intended Christians who pop-up and think that you need some theology lessons. Nope, don’t be mistaken! Au contraire, I got disappointed because I’ve always perfectly understood the truths you’re pouring out right now. I didn’t put my trust in an idol or a human being, I put my trust in El Shaddai and it hurts when he doesn’t come through, when you’re in dire straits. King David expressed it in the Psalms, you can read about it Habaccuc, Malachi and even see it implicitly in Ez 12, 21-28.

        Therefore, if a person like Claire is telling out loud WHAT LOTS of Christians feel deep down or felt at least once in their walk with God, let her speak her mind! If you can’t hear out/bear someone’s else pain, just walk away! Don’t be a Job’s friend!

        In Ps 22, David asked God why he had forsaken him. Did God forsake David? Absolutely not, cf Is 49:15. Yet, David FELT forsaken because he was going through hell. It wasn’t a little stroll in the park and his feelings were legit. Do you really think he didn’t know who God was? The God who helped him fight a bear and a lion with his bare hands, Goliath? Nope and that’s what made his pain unbearable and more excruciating!

        Thank you Claire for this post! I couldn’t have expressed it better. Thank you on behalf of all of us who have to choke on our pain because we aren’t supposed to offend our fellow Christians with our blown out of proportion disappointment.

  6. Ben Nabors says:

    Ive been convessing and repenting for four years I have looked back on my life and I have seen my rebellion ,desobeance and hostility toward Jesus but when I seen this I turned to God for forgiveness and at one point I was saying the sinners prayer two to three times a day so I could have one thing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ he’s never gave me the time of day I guess because in my past I never gave him to time of day this is not the Jesus I’ve also herd about my entire life so dissipointed

  7. Erica says:

    I know exactly how you feel.. I’m there right at this moment. I am. Literally churched out, prayed out, and out of excuses. I hope things worked out for you.

  8. LEL says:

    I ran across this blog because I typed “disappointed with God” into my favorite search engine.

    I won’t bore you with my personal issues or the specific nature of I my current disappointments, but I want to ask:

    How’d things ever turn out for you with the issue in question? Did you come to see the wisdom in God’s failure to meet your expectations, or is His answer to your prayers still a cause of doubt for you?

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts you might share.

    • Anna says:

      Definitely his wisdom. In hindsight, I now know that I should have trusted him from the beginning and known that he’s always had my best interests at heart. I’m not one of those people who just believe things because I was told so: it has to come from within, my mind, my soul, my heart have to be irrefutably convinced. That’s what happened to me! Because I somewhat have a stiff neck and I’m more of a Thomas than a Roman centurion, I had to surrender and see God at work. I think that the answers to most of my prayers were delayed because I was foolishly standing in the way of my happiness by not relinquishing the control to God. I’ve now understood that I was disappointed in God because I was a spiritual spoiled brat with a gigantic sense of entitlement. I now understand what grace and mercy mean so basically, I had no reason to be disappointed with God.

      • Ace says:

        Iam disapointed by God and i dought his existance so much pain in my life till now iam 31YEARS half my life its pain and suffering failures disapointment now iam unemployed with a grade 12 certificate after twelve years on going to school with my own foot traveling eight km from and to school that makes it sixteen km a day now iam poor and smone says God has plans what plans ? Suffering getout of here iam so disapointed many bad thing i can say that happened but iam just going to keep it short

        • Anna says:

          ACE, I hear you, trust and believe me when I say that I do! One year ago, I expressed what you wrote on this online prayer request: http://www.theprayerzone.com.

          This is what I wrote there on Mar 7, 2016:
          Prayer Request
          ” UTTERLY MAD AND DISAPPOINTED IN GOD
          I have been homeless and destitute for the past 8 yrs. I’m sick and tired of waiting on God. I feel like a fool for putting my trust in him, especially since I’ve been the laughingstock of people around me. I want God to give me a job to repay my debts and to be able to eat 3 meals a day, to rent an apartment, to find a man after God’s heart and to release my non-believer mom from the clutches of the devil. I’ve been waiting for 38 years, I want him to deliver what he promised. He has eternity, I don’t. I feel like such a fool for trusting him. ”

          When I posted that prayer request, I was living with a few less than 700$ a month. That money was from a small part-time teaching position I got (15hr for a term) in a city, 2h and 30 mn of drive away from where I was living. From November 2014 to the end of April 2016, I was staying over at friends’. I didn’t even have 3$ to buy a shirt at a thrift store. I thought that everything bad happening to me, all the hardship, the humiliation was from God. So this lie, masterminded by the devil, prevented me from turning to God and seeing Him reaching out to me. I was running away from God instead of running to him, thinking about dying EVERY DAY for a year. I was browsing the web about painless ways of offing oneself. Beware because that’s the devil at work! God put his Spirit in us and if you snuff that out, well, too bad for you because you’ll be severing your connection with the Lord.

          A group of volunteers ergo perfect strangers, committed to pray for me on the Prayerzone.

          On Apr 8, 2016 (one month after my initial post), I wrote:
          ” Hello Everyone!!! I’ve got fabulous news. I got hired today on April 7 i.e. one month after posting here for the first time. I applied to the position on March 18. It’s a 6 month contract, a maternity-leave replacement. I got the call last week for the interview and went today. Less than one hour later, I was hired, at a pretty good salary on top of that. The whole thing felt like an out-of-body experience, I still can’t believe it. ” For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth” Job 19:25 “God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?” Numbers 23:19 I give thanks and praises to the Lord for his faithfulness, his grace and above all, his mercy. When I think about how all the times I doubted God, I accused him of having forsaken me, despite everything he did to assuage my fears. Today, I want to reiterate what you guys already know, he’s faithful. Thank YOU from the bottom of my hearts for your prayers: – Ralph; – Alley; – Jennifer; – Mark; – Kathryn; – Chuck. I praise and bless the Lord for leading me to this website.”

          Let me tell you something ACE! That job was a contract, it got renewed in spite of the fact that the woman was coming back from her maternity leave. The contract is about to end in a few days. However, it allowed me to pay back 20000$ of debt in one year. I went from penniless, jobless, homeless to being able to pay back the 20000$ I owed to the people who helped me through my walk in the desert.

          Do not despair ACE! What you’re going through isn’t God’s fault! God’s children are very often subjected to the fiery darts of the enemy. However, since we haven’t been told about spiritual warfare, we are easily overpowered. We read Job, Daniel, Ephesian 6 and we still don’t get what’s going on. Do you know how I got out of my locked situation? PRAYERS! I had been under attack by the enemy and I didn’t know. It took people making prayers of deliverance for me, praying that I’ll be filled up by the Holy Spirit, praying for the intervention of the Holy Spirit and the power of the blood of Jesus over my life, for me to break free from that hole of despair Satan threw me in. I thought it was God chastising me but it wasn’t HIM. One day, in the midst of my depression, this word came to my mind: ““Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” Hang on to it, just like I did! Read your bible, read Ez 37, 1-14 about the Valley of dry bones because I bet your life is like that valley right now. Ask the Lord to breathe into you, the breath of life (Gn 2:7) and when he will, don’t forget to come back to this page and testify. I’ll pray for you, I’ll pray what God for me last year during Lent. He brought me back to life on Easter Sunday and a few days later, I got called for that job interview. I declare, in the name of Jesus, that he’ll bring you back from the death too on Easter and that death will have no more hold over your life.

          • Ace says:

            Sometimes tears juxt fall from my eyes even now when i was reading your response iam staying with a relatives they are struggling with money their marriage is upside down its hard realy hard and iam here another mouth to feed for them eish i dont know all i can do is cry when iam praying!

            • Anna says:

              Hi Ace!

              I bless the Lord for you coming back to this page. I’ve been praying for everyday that the Lord turn your world upside down. Like said, I was homeless for 2 years. In March 2016, just like you, I was another mouth to feed when I stayed at some friends’s place. Money was extremely tight for them and their kids. I was doing my best to make myself invisible but at one point, it felt like I had overstayed my welcome. My friend’s husband started to act cold towards me and then my friend expressed an hostility towards me that I’d never imagined her capable of. Imagine: being penniless during the harsh Canadian winters with the risk of being kicked out and nowhere else to go! A few days before all of this happened, the Lord had warned me in a dream. What could I do? Although I was hurt by my friend’s attitude and really angry at her husband, I prayed for them. I spent 3 to 4 days, crying to the Lord, singing hyms, reading the book of Psalms. The whole situation felt like the floor just opened up underneath me. A few days later, my friend and I cleared up the misunderstanding. I swallowed my pride and apologized to her husband. What else could I do? I could read in his eyes that it was basically a matter of “I can kick you out and you have no one else to go.” In hindsight, I know the enemy was behind all of this. I think that the Lord saw how precarious my situation was. A few weeks later, I got hired and moved out.
              The Lord hears our cries, please do not despair! I hope my testimony will convince you that the Lord still is the provider.

            • Anna says:

              Psalm 4:3: “The Lord hears when I call to Him.” Remember that King David cried out to the Lord when he was hunted down by Saul and his own companions wanted to stone him. “David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God. ” 1 Samuel 30:6. I encourage you to read the whole chapter.

  9. Ace says:

    I hear you mrs anna sometimes i get so weak in my spirit in a way that i don’t even know why iam here on earth? i juxt wish i wasn’t born iam tire of all this my youth and teen times i did not enjoy life like others now iam still locked in this stupid world of misery that my life has to face why God doesn’t interven can’t he see i can’t take this anymore eish the are lot of painful things that happened to me every time i think i get angry and angry iam a good person my heart is so very sore iam in my room ryt now i’ve been crying becoz of pain even now iam crying tears jxt fall because my heart is troubled!

    • Anna says:

      Hello Ace!

      Keep on crying out to the Lord, he sure hears your cries and sees your tears. Do you read your Bible? I’m asking you because the Bible has always been of a great help for during my trials. I take very comfort in saying that thousands years ago, they were people who went through the same desert I’ve been walking in. Reading how they wept to the Lord, then go comforted and rescued by Him, strengthens your hope. Without hope, there is no faith.

      I went through what you’re feeling now. The whole waking up everyday, wondering why I’m on earth and wishing to die… For more than a year, these were the thoughts racing on my mind. I won’t even dwell about the stupid things I used to Google until I ran across the webpage of a Greek Monastery, where it was written that killing myself, will be like basically giving myself as an offering to the Devil. I might have been mad and disappointed in the Lord at that time but one sure has always been a constant in my life: there was no way I’d ever belong to the Devil in a certain way. That very day, for the first time, it dawned on me that all these feelings, those questions about why I was born, all this was from the devil.
      I don’t know how disappointed in God you are but I know that I was so mad at HIM that I really wanted to hurt him, for real, as in literally taking a knife and stabbing him. What a foolish and utterly blasphemous thing to feel, but that’s how hurt, disappointed and lost I was. I wanted God to suffer as much as I was. So, I had those recurrent ideas about how killing myself would hurt him and questioning why I was on earth.
      Well, the truth is that the Lord breathed life into us. It is in Genesis. The Lord’s spirit is what makes you alive, the Lord’s personal presence dwells in us. HE knows it, the devil knows it but we, humans, aren’t aware of it.
      ACE, do not question where you’re on earth. You ARE NOT a mistake and your worth IS NOT defined by your circumstances. You might not see it clearly now because you’re surrounded by darkness and you’re numbed by your pain. When we’re in pain, we don’t hear, we don’t see, we just want the pain to stop, especially the kind of emotional and somewhat spiritual pain you’ve been going through. Maybe, you’re feeling betrayed, forsaken by God so you have nowhere else to turn. So, how you are gonna deal with all these negative emotions which are snuffing the life out of you?
      Keep crying, expunge all this pain from your heart until you feel the Lord’s peace and comfort! If you can’t pray anymore and all you can do when you turn to him is crying, so be it! There is nothing wrong with it, the Lord collects all of our tears and keeps track of our sorrows. If you can’t pray anymore, that’s fine. I’ll pray for you and ask other people to do as well because this is what’s a church is: a fellowship which helps and encourages each other.

  10. Ace says:

    Now my own father can’t even help me i have to do a course that takes a week inorder to apply for a job that pays more than ten thousand a month i have a friend who is working there more than 15years he is promising me that he would help me but i have to do that course first before i can apply my father can’t even give me seven hundred rand he is telling me stories over the phone of the things he has to do with his money wow i should say that though iam not supprise if he thinks iam going to help him in the future if things go right for me he better think again coz iam so done with people who know you when u have something pray for me anna to get a job so that i can do this course before its too late i berg of you to pray for me maybe God will hear my cry through you!

    • Anna says:

      Hi again!

      The Lord is the one who provides, who opens and closes the door. If you’re meant to take this class, the Lord will help you, just stay alert to what’s gonna happen! When we’re going through tough times, please know that help isn’t always gonna come from those close to you or you’d expect to. It isn’t that people are gonna show you their true colors, it is a lesson for us to know that we should only rely on God because he’s Jehovah-Jireh. People, even your parents, are just the vessels he uses to sustain you.
      You may think that you’re alone but I think that God’s using me to encourage you. I don’t know, we don’t even live on the same continents. Yet, just like you, I had a father who did almost sh*t for me when it came to my studies because just like yo, he has something else to do with his money. I was raised by my mom and sometimes, we couldn’t make ends meets. Well, just know that decades later, said father asked me for money to help his family out then later, he reversed back to his old self. Just like you, I spent 2 years jobless, homeless and penniless while having degrees and trying to fend for myself. I had to withdraw for recruitment processes because I didn’t have money to go to the job interview (not kidding). In hindsight, it was a blessing in disguise because I’d have been miserable at these jobs.
      I can assure you that I learned more about God’s person during this horrible season in the desert while I was enraged against HIM than when things were going smoothly for me. Just hang in there, take one day, one hour, one minute at the time! Stop fretting, just tell the Lord: “I’ve done everything I could humanly do, you’re my witness. Now, I surrender everything to you. Please take of this situation, in the meantime, just grant me your peace!” Trust me, when some situations are locked like what you’ve been describing, it is the only you can do: “surrender and let God do what he does best: rescuing humans!”. I’ll keep praying for you and start opening this Bible of yours. Read Habakkuk, Malachi, Job. Read the story of barren Hannah, the Prophet Samuel’s mother.

    • Anna says:

      Just stumbled upon this : http://theprayingwoman.com/god-will-straighten-it-out/

      I thought it might give you a different perspective on your current situation.

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